


More Performance Piece Than Prose

by dancinbutterfly



Category: The Umbrella Academy (Comics), The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: 1960s, 1970s, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Fisting, Canon Compliant, Canon Jewish Character, Characters Writing Fanfiction, Death from Old Age, Dialogue-Only, Dorks in Love, Driving, F/M, Fisting, Gen, Group Sex, Growing Old Together, Heterosexuality, Hollywood, Implied/Referenced Crossdressing, Kink Negotiation, Kosher sex, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Old Guard Leather Culture, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Risk Aware Consensual Kink, Safe Sane and Consensual, Star Trek References, Vietnam War, safe sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2020-01-06 17:29:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18393035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancinbutterfly/pseuds/dancinbutterfly
Summary: A collection of Umbrella Academy tumblr fic. Perpetually complete and in progress.





	1. Drive Me Crazy

> Anonymous asked: a tua headcanon I thought youd enjoy: Klaus wasn't joking about need diego to drive him places. he literally didn't knowhow to. he could drive the ice cream truck later because when he went back in time, dave taught him how to.

_Oh! That’s fun, Nony! And such a lovely image too._

They’re in some fucked-up dingy jeep on a grassy hill somewhere fucking around with a manual ignition. Disaster pan extraordinaire, Klaus is jamming up the gearshift like the hot mess he is and Dave is just buzzed and entertained because hey, its not his jeep. Thanks for providing for the drivers ed sesh, Uncle Sam.

“No, that’s the clutch. And that’s the transmission.”

“Why do you need BOTH!?”

“Because otherwise you’ll burn out the engine changing gears?”

“Argh! Fuck, God, I hate this fucking place!” 

“Me too, sweetheart.” Dave kisses the side of his temple because there’s no one to see them out there.

Klaus turns the wheel so hard Dave actually hears metal shrieking as he starts muttering to himself and Dave hears the words “goddamn” and “motherfucking” and “Diego” and “automatic”in there but usually that kind rant is best left to wear itself (or he’s talking at someone who Dave can’t share the conversation with but they’ve been drinking all morning and Dave doesnt think they’ve lost anyone named Diego in their unit.)

_Yeah. I like that idea._

_Otherwise, they were just close enough when they switched that Diego figured it was a good day to die and was like “FUCK IT! JUST KEEP YOUR FOOT ON THE GAS AND DONT STEER OFF THE ROAD! I NEED TO UNALIVE THESE PRICKS! GO GO GO GO GO!_  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: 
>   * On tumblr posts, I cant do notes! And I miss notes!
>   * Automatic transitions have been around since the 30s but you'll pretty much never see them in the US anymore. About 10 years ago? It was more like a 70/30 split. I can't speak for all of Europe but when I was in the UK 10 years ago, the guy I was dating talked a lot about the decline of the manual transmition and he let me talk about fanfiction for hours so, ya know, fair's fair. In the 60s, on the other hand, having a manual transmission would have been very helpful because you can get your hands in, fix it, and get moving. However, in Vietnam, your Radio Transmission Officer would have just radioed for new parts or a replacement of whatever and a helo probably would have dropped the part. Supposedly the US was well stocked. But thats the reason for that choice.
>   * Big thanks to Cartoon!Deadpool for the verb "[un-alive](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/28/fd/95/28fd956aec313dada0a45eecc11abdd7.jpg)". In any universe, Wade Wilson is the gift that keeps on giving.
>   * If you think of Britney Spears when you read this chapter title? Good. If you think of the movie with Melissa Joan Heart and Adrien Grenier? Better. Its not named after those, I just like puns, but enjoy that bonus for my late-millennials. 
> 



	2. I'll Be Seeing You

> Anonymous asked: Soooo I have an idea. If Klaus had stayed in 1968 with Dave, I think they would have decided to move to San Francisco Klaus would set up shop as a psychic/fortune teller and Dave would have opened a soon to be famous gay bar. Then 50 years later Klaus had passed away and Dave has retired. But of course because it’s now 2019 he sees a young Klaus pass by.

Wow. Do you hate joy? And laughter? Do you hate me personally friendo? Cuz. That’s fucking hard right there.

Because Dave is an old man, come back home to stay with his sister’s kids who he actually quite likes, who don’t talk to him like he’s stupid or deaf, who want to hear stories about the wild old days and the war. He thinks that oldest one is working on a book, he cant be sure but if he is, well, Dave thinks all the better. Some tings shouldn’t be lost and he’s be lost since Klaus died. He’s tired, his bones ache and on this particular day he’s just trying to get a gallon of milk from the corner store when this burst of color and manic energy explodes in like a bolt from the blue and swipes a little something from a few different shelves and god, he’s beautiful, curly black hair, dark eyes and ridiculous pants covered by an equally ridiculous coat and he meets Dave’s gaze for a long moment as he grabs something sugary and whispers “Don’t be a fucking narc, old timer.” before disappearing out the door screaming with triumph, high as a kite. And Dave could swear, swear that was his Klaus but Klaus has been gone for the last five years. It does his heart good to see though, that some things never change and that ass. Makes him feel twenty-five again. Well, no it doesn’t but makes him wish he could feel twenty-five again. “I’ll cover what he took,” he says because he’s not going to take it with him and he didn’t use everything he had budgeted last month. He can spare and he thinks that Klaus would have thought the whole thing was funny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: 
>   * My mom spends a lot of time talking about retirement and how that's going to work for her so I imagined there's a monthly dividends plus social security that Dave lives on and that's what he's talking about when he says he didnt spend all his money for the month. The man's a boomer whether you like it or not.
>   * Tumblr versions didn't get titles but the chapter title is from the song I'll Be Seeing you of which there are many versions but 
> 



	3. Kirk, Bones, and Spock save the motherfucking whales 🐋

> Anonymous asked: Okay now all I want is like snapshots of Dave and Klaus life together. Like when they finish the war and they got to Dave’s gay bar. Show everyone who the ultimate gay is. Or when they get their first place. When Klaus decides to get a cape and tell really vague fortunes. Which is when Dave decides to open their own bar for gays in the area. And also to make money. Oh with the little nieces and nephews who think they are amazing. Klaus Starts a book club that’s just Star Trek fanfiction

Bold of you to assume Klaus didn’t just drive down to LA rock up to the studios with all the insights of a soothsayer, medium and timetraveler who knows that Rock Hudson and Tab Hunter are sucking dick and isn’t afraid to name names and be like “Listen, bitches, I got an multimillion dollar idea. Ready? Kirk, Bones, and Spock save the motherfucking whales 🐋.”

“Do they need saving?”

“Yes. But first we need to get Ricardo Montalbán on the horn cuz Gene is sitting on gold mine with The Star Seed. I see miles of hairless chests and Bill chewing the scenery everywhere.”

“Well Gene’s pitched us a movie with sentient gas life forms and-“

“Its slow and no one will remember that shit. Kaaaaaaahn!”

Meanwhile they’re getting ready for bed when Klaus returns from his mission, like Klaus is brushing his teeth and Dave is getting undressed and as Dave’s taking off his jacket he’s like “I thought you didn’t like Star Trek.”

“I never said that. I never said that. I said I was more a Voyager fan, okay, and as someone who has found herself adrift in a strange place in a military group, I find I relate to Janeway as a powerful woman in a leadership position now more than ever but I can and do love all the Treks, baby.”

And Dave pauses buttoning his shirt and looks at their unmade bed and then at the ensuite and goes.”So you’re Kirk tonight?”

Klaus sticks his head out just to shake it at him. “No baby, you’re Kirk. I’m the beautiful and strong-willed pacifist social worker he falls in love with but must inevitably allow to die to maintain the timeline played by her fabulousness Joan Collins. We’re going for realism tonight.”

“So… want me to grab the sensible blue skirt and kitten heels from the closet while I’m over there?”

Klaus spits and calls “Aw, you know me so well. Can you grab the blue Chanel blouse too?” And Dave does, grinning like an absolute asshole because their fanfic for _City on the Edge of Forever_ is less prose and more performance piece.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: 
>   * Buckle up kids, its pretty much all Star Trek 
>   * Voyager is from the 90s. Kate Mulgrew - of Orange is the New Black - was Captain Kathryn Janeway. She was, at the time, the ONLY female starship captain. I haven't seen Discovery so idk if there's a female captain there. But man, Kate was a game changer. Also, on the Voyager crew EVERYONE WORE PANTS. EVERYONE. It was IMPORTANT. 
>   * The 4th TOS movie is basically The Federation Enterprise Go Back In Time To Save The Motherfucking Whales. That's not me. That was Gene Roddenberry (who was also Jewish btw, along with Leonard Nimoy and William Shatner)
>   * Wrath of Kahn (and subsequently the Search For Spock) all pivot on an episode called the Star Seed where we get a huge info-dump of world building on the Federation universe about how humanity made these genetically augmented humans and then jettisoned them into space after world war iii because they were just too strong and smart and powerful and Ricardo Mantalban was Khan and DEAR GOD was he raw masculine energy. Anyway. Wrath of Kahn. 
>   * Joan Collins - the Joan Collins of Dallas and trash novel fame - was in an episode called The City on the Edge of Forever which is actually one of the more famous (if you are like me, a star trek nerd) episodes because it dealt with the issues of poverty, the greater good, and was one of if not the first show to pose the time-travel question "what if you had to do X to ensure Y?" which seems very Klaus-y to me. Also, as a social worker, it always makes me happy to see social workers portrayed as something other than child-stealing villains in any medium. 
>   * Kirk was loyal to every woman he was ever with. He either got left or they died. Don't let anyone confuse you. He wasnt a womanizer. If anything he was a serial monogamist who championed feminism in all areas from employment, to birth control to politics to really anything you can think of. Don't be fooled by the hype. Kirk Said Women's Rights!
>   * Basically, JJ Abrams is an idiot. Ignore him. Star Trek is supposed to be philosophical and make a sociopolitical progressive point. Always.
> 



	4. Captain Sexy

> ageisia asked: Diego/Eudora “That’s so stupid. Please, do it again.”

“Oh, Captain Sexy, I’ll do whatever you want.”

Eudora stops and bursts out laughing on top of him. 

Diego frowns. “What?”

“That’s so so stupid. Please, do it again.”

“Oh, fuck you.”

“Yes. That’s the plan.”

“I’m not gonna.”

“But you have to follow Captain Sexy’s orders.”

“I’m leaving.” He gives her a little shove. “This is me leaving.” 

“Come on Number One. Be a good boy for me, and do what I tell you.”

Diego shivers and does as she says.


	5. Kashrut of Crisco is Not the Issue

> Anonymous asked: So loved the cute retiree Dave and Klaus but I was wondering what kind of wild stories would he tell the kids of uncle Klaus? I would love a little story of them doing a march in San Fran. Though what’s this book like that the kids are writing about their life. God it’s toooooo cute and now I am legit dying for more

How about we talk about the stories they absolutely are not telling the Kids, like tripping off the boat in California and Klaus falling face first into the SoMa district and the Old Guard Leather culture because: 

1) Klaus loves all types of dress up 

2)he likes to get choked and Dave is afraid to do it with through a paper hoop without a net like he thinks the rope is going to fray and Klaus is going to fall [like the Great Sebastian or some shit](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.imdb.com%2Ftitle%2Ftt0044672%2F&t=MGNkNjU3Yjg1OWY4OWE0YjRiY2Y4NzA2NTMyYzJmYzdkODQ1NTE5Niw1MTM3MDdjOWExOGY1Mjk1ZmMyMDczMWM1ZjczYjgwY2ZmNTU5MTFh)

3)Dave will look so good in motorcycle leathers and Klaus will feel good in his lap calling him “Sir” and “Master” and if he’s feeling bratty or really needy “Daddy” cuz wow he would and I think we all know this

and 4) he can’t turn down an invite to join [the Catacombs ](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FCatacombs_%28sex_club%29&t=NGExMzljODlkOTA1ZmVjNTBkNTEzYzkxNTZlZjEzZTZmMzNjZDA4OSw2MjQ4NmQzMjg1OTYxN2YzOWIwNDg4MTM0ZTIzMDY1NTE5NzBhZjZk)memberships are impossible to get and he’s never been to a fisting club before and he’s only seen a live fisting done once when he was on mescaline at the time in 2019 so that hardly counts and also, it was both the girls doing it and it was vaginal not anal so it doesn’t count. 

Look, Klaus actually does know how to act right in public and the whole thing just sounds amazing.

“Also fisting is the perfect way to meet new and interesting people and fuck them, safely. You can’t catch AIDS from fisting.”

And for probably the three dozenth time in their relationship Dave asks “What is AIDS?“

And Klaus brushes him off with something dismissive like “"You will learn in time and its will suck. a lot.” Because it’s still they early 70s, they’ve got a rule not to swap more than spit with other guys unless they’re both present to discuss it and that discussion pretty much always ends in Klaus demanding a condom and the 3, 4, 8, 10  of them having a really “bang” up time - wink, wink - if Klaus does have a reputation around the high old guard scene as a bit of a hypochondriac but a fun hypochondriac who is down for most anything so long as there’s latex between him and his Daddy and everyone’s come and whatever and that shit is a downer, they are up with people right now. 

He’s friends with a lot of new Tom of Findland-y people(and possibly Tom himself, who knows, Klaus seems like the kind to be a connoisseur of fine pornography) who are going to help Dave open his ass up so wide they could march their whole battalion through it.  

Dave is game for most of Klaus’s antics but he has Questions. “Ok…..but fists?”

“HAVE YOU SEEN THIS? ITS AWESOME” he shoves a tastefully staged and rendered probably illegal photo (without any evidence of his masturbation on it anywhere, he’s proud to note) at Dave. “Even I haven’t pulled this off!”

“So its…a challenge?” 

“Sure! Lets call it a challenge. Will that get you to put on the assless chaps and Crisco up?”

“I-” 

“It’s parve, Dave. It’s kosher and parve.” 

“You say that like the kashrut of the Crisco is the issue.”

“It’s not?” 

“NO!” 

“So then what is?“ 

“Shoving my fist up your ass is the issue.” 

“Someone else can do it while you supervise. That’s fun sometimes too. You can kiss me easier that way probably.” 

“Oh my  _god_.”

So yeah, when he’s old, Dave does not tell The Kids about that part of their life,  but actually, they do let someone else do the Actual Fisting™ the first time they go to the Catacombs because Dave staying in Klaus’s eyeline is really the best thing for everyone involved. (Dave. It’s really the best thing for Dave. He can’t watch that happen. He needs to watch Klaus’ face go tight with pain and then with concentration and then with bliss and then be there to look in his eyes as Klaus says his name, over and over and over and comes so hard his eyes roll into the back of his head and only whites show for a full thirty seconds and when he comes too Klaus has a dopey smile on his face. He giggles hysterically as the Dom with this hand actually inside Klaus pets his back and says “Quite the Boy you’ve got here,” as he glances at Dave admiringly as if  _he’s_  the one who’s done something amazing when it’s all Klaus, it’s always Klaus. And Dave pets his hair and kisses his laughing mouth and says, “Yeah, yeah I got you. I always got you.” Klaus chases him as he pulls away and sighs, “I know. You always have. ‘S why I love you.” and Dave wonders if he’ll ever stop being surprised by how often he finds himself loving Klaus  _more_. He really hopes not.)

And that’s just some stuff they don’t talk about.


	6. How to Get Dates and Influence EMTs

> maltedchocolatemilkshakes asked: "stab me. no seriously, stab me" for klaus and diego. could be interesting? Thanks! x

 

_(Why do y’all hate me? That you keep giving me this fucking prompt? god sent y’all to test me with it)_

It bothers Klaus that people think he’s the one who’s unhinged in their family. Comparatively, it’s unfair. Allison used to brainfuck her daughter before she lost her voice, Luther thought it was reasonable to live alone on the moon for half a decade, Vanya thought an acceptable reaction to being abused was ending the world and Five was fucking Five.

Now Diego is standing here in front of him, brandishing a knife, hilt first making all kinds of crazy demands when as far as Klaus knows? He’s not even into this shit. Liking leather and being into bloodplay are two wildly different things and also, they don’t have a tarp. He won’t get his deposit back if they ruin the carpet and he’s never had an apartment before.

Klaus drums his toes on the rug and considers the request further.

Diego’s patience is fraying by the second and he wiggles the knife at him. “C’mon Klaus.  **Stab me**.”

“Why don’t you ask Luther to do it? Don’t you think he’d jump at the chance?”

“ **No**. You know that’s why I can’t. Plus he’s too strong. He might disembowel me by accident.“

“That could be a good look for you.”

“I never ask you for anything.”

Klaus scoffs. “You ask me for shit all the time. Klaus, come with us. Klaus stop touching that. Klaus, don’t lick that. Klaus carry that. Klaus travel back in time with us to save the world. Klaus don’t do drugs. Klaus be quiet. Klaus stab me in the leg so I have an excuse to call my ladycop since she’s hot EMT in this timeline.” He rolls his eyes. “There are easier ways Diego.”

“Maybe. But  **seriously, stab me**  already. I want to be out of the ER before the dinner rush so I can take her out if she says yes.”

“Ugh, you are so gross. Gimme.” He snatches up the hilt of the knife and Diego beams at him. “Yeah, I’m the crazy one here.”

“You’re not crazy baby,” Dave calls from the kitchen - forever young beautiful and dead in his combat fatigues. “You’re entertaining.”

The high pitched shriek that Diego lets out when Klaus does he asks and stabs him, so high up in his thigh it’s almost in the meat of his ass? Now that’s entraining.


	7. The Person Who Is Breathing Is Me

> **wee-chlo**  asked: Breathe, for Klaus

_  
_

_(a Take Your Fandom To Work snippet)_

“This is stupid.”  


“The anti-anxiety effects of box breathing are proven by peer reviewed sources actually but I know it feels stupid. It’s just us so try and do it anyway, please.”  


He glares at the counselor along moment before exaggeratedly inhaling and exhaling with his lips pursed, like he’s blowing out birthday candles. 

“No.”

“What do you mean no? I did what you said!”

“You were joking, because you’re funny. You are very funny addict from a grand tradition of funny addicts.” She’s about his age, which is a nice change of pace from all the old, worn out addicts preaching twelve steps and she sounds genuine which is just…weird. “Trauma lends itself pretty well to humor and drug abuse. Why do you think so many great comics have died of drug overdoses? It’s not because they all came from loving stable homes where everything was sunshine and daffodils.”

“I thought the expression was sunshine and roses.”

“Daffodils are friendly and harmless. I like roses as a metaphor for trauma. Roses are soft and bright but they have thorns that will make you bleed if you don’t hold them right.”

Klaus tilts his head. “Okay. So I’m breathing wrong.”

“Not all the time. No one does anything all the time. And can we stop and just recognize what a judgmental word that is, wrong?”

“I’ve found it applies to me fairly often.”

He watches her write something down on a notepad and sighs. Fuck. He doesn’t know what he’s doing here. He really doesn’t. Normally he doesn’t talk to counselors. He just tells them about the latest overdose and the centipedes sometimes sees behind his closed eyes if he takes too any amphetamines and that’s enough. Damnit.

“I didn’t mean that.”

“What did you mean?”  


“Can we go back to me breathing?”

She tilts her head the shrugs. “It’s your hour.”

“Is it? Because if it’s court mandated I’m pretty sure it’s your hour.”

“Actually, if it’s court mandated, it’s Argyle County’s hour but that’s splitting hairs. I get to bill this no matter what we talk about.”

“Then why are we talking about this?”  


“You brought it up.”  


“Oh my god, I did not.” He pulls on his hair and drops his head. “I was trying to breathe.”  


“Were you?”  When he looks up, she’s leaning over her desk, arms folded on the faux-wood chin on her arms, waiting.  

“Yes.”  


“You can try again if you want.”  


“What if I don’t want to?”  


“Then you won’t. It helps. Pretty much everything here helps if you do it but you don’t  **have**  to do anything ever. It’s a free-ish country Klaus. Get up and leave. Walk out of treatment. Go back to jail. Go home and start fighting crime again. I care, in the sense that I’m in relationship with you as my client and I have compassion for you as fellow human being with feelings who deserves an existence with the least suffering possible but when it comes to the actual choices you make day to day?” She rolls a shoulder and looks up at him. “I don’t actually care. You’re an adult. You’re going to do whatever you want just like everyone else and I think you know that.”  


Well. Okay then. That’s… a lot. He’s honestly never had it put like that before. He doesn’t know if any of this will help. It’s his third time through the spin cycle and he doesn’t think it will stick this go-around either - he has those extenuating spooky circumstances that the other clients just don’t and that makes staying clean fucking unfeasible even if he wants to and sometimes, like now, he really does - but fuck it. Might as well pick up something useful while he’s here.

**Author's Note:**

> You can always find me ~~in the drift~~ as [dancinbutterfly](http://dancinbutterfly.tumblr.com) on tumblr where I'm taking asks, always, even though it may take me a million years to answer them or on the [The Umbrella Academy Discord](https://discord.gg/dKz9T2w)! Much like this fic its 18+ and we are absolute losers having way too much fun suffering over this family. All ships welcome or none at all.


End file.
